And yet, I didn't.
Sometimes, courage fails you at the most inopportune moments. I'm not someone who suffers from confidence issues. Well, most of the time, anyway. And yet, in that moment, I couldn't get myself to take that leap of faith. Only because the idea of failing, of rejection, was too awful to contemplate. I thought it didn't matter. That it was just one lost moment, more would come along, but that really isn't true, is it? Because now that I realise I'm scared of the possible outcome, I know that the fear will paralyse me. And even if another such moment does come along, I probably won't do anything again.
Isn't love a little bit like that? We feel it, but don't say it--most times until it's too late. I truly believe that every relationship has a time and a place. And if you let that time and place pass, that relationship passes you by. I have friends who've ended up marrying their best friends and could not be happier. Just because they weren't scared to grab that one moment when their friend could have been something more and turned it into a lifetime of happiness. I'm not saying that that's the way to do things. I'm one of those girls that can't imagine marrying the guy who knows all my dirty secrets. But I do think that too many of us lose our best shot at happiness for reasons that seem too insignificant after life passes us by...
I was talking to Miss K a few weeks ago about our play and she told me something a grandmotherly figure had said to her, while she discussed love with another friend. "Bete, tumhare zamaane mein koi mohabbat nai karta," is what she said. Neither of us paid much attention to it then, but somehow, grandma's innocuous comment has stayed with us through all these weeks. It's something I think of every time any of my friends talk about their relationships.
It's sad, but it's true. No one in my world loves in the way we all secretly want to be loved. That madness is missing. That devil-may-care attitude is missing. Nobody sweeps anybody off their feet anymore. Nobody suddenly takes off from a meeting to be with someone anymore. Some of my friend's would say I'm just buying into the crap that Hallmark and SRK have been trying to sell to us for years now... Maybe it is. But don't we buy it only because deep down, that's really what we want? Why would an otherwise sane, focussed, successful career girl fall for an illusion of a man? And more importantly, why does that girl then go on to marry the guy she can make a successful marriage with, but not lose her heart to?
It all boils down to our risk appetites. And in my world, when it comes to matters of the heart, there's very little of it left. Most often, the stakes are simply too high. The gamble is too big. And the water is too deep to dive into.
And so we remain in the shallow end of the pool... Safe and secure... But every once in a while, we look at the deep end... And wonder... What it would be like to be swept along by the waves, how would the water feel over our heads, what swimming with the sharks would be like...
But we'll never find out, will we? Because hamare zamaane mein koi mohabbat nahi karta.
