I went on a date tonight.
I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. I wasn't expecting to enjoy myself quite this much. And I certainly wasn't expecting to come back home giggly and with wine-stained lips. And I most certainly wasn't expecting to check my phone every 90 seconds to see if he had messaged. :)
If I were a different person, a younger version of myself; this feeling would probably be the indicator of a new relationship being just around the corner. But I'm not that person. So if this isn't a relationship and if I'm not in the market for a fling, what is this feeling? And exactly where are we going with this?
The answer is simple--it's romance.
I'd forgotten how good it felt to be wooed. To have someone call you 50 times a day, talk with to you till the sun starts to appear on the horizon and travel across town for a coffee date. It's a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling--knowing that you're worth ditching that meeting for. No matter how confident I am in my person, it takes romance to make me feel truly sexy. I suspect that might be the case for a whole lot of women I know as well. It was good to be reminded of all those things that I'd let myself forget, It felt good to come out of hiding. I'd forgotten there was a world beyond the rock I was hiding under. For the past few months, I'd been so hung up on love, friendship and all those BIG feelings, that I'd completely turned my back on the unassuming joys of the littler feelings like romance. I hear people complaining that the romance has gone out of their relationships. And I've never been able to empathise... Not because romance has been my constant companion, but because for me, when feelings linger beyond the death of romance, that's when I know I'm in trouble. Once before, it made me incredibly happy. Because I knew I was in love. The second time around, it petrified me. Because I knew this could and would end badly... Maybe I'm a product of faulty wiring, but that's how it is. In my head, love is such an overwhelming emotion, it doesn't even need romance to sustain it. Which is why I never fall out of love. I just learn how to deal with it, dilute it and lock it up inside.
But thinking about love and romance also made me wonder, if it's just about feeling sexy and being wooed, what would it take to prise me away from Mr T? If it's just that, isn't it entirely possible, even probable, that I'm just playing a waiting game... That I'm here, in this thing, only until the next guy comes along? Someone with better things to say, someone who makes me laugh harder, someone more intelligent, someone better at romance?
As much as I hate to admit it, the answer is yes. It probably would not take much for me to walk out of Mr T's life and into someone else's. I know I'm thinking like a selfish bitch, but stripped of the romance and what could be, should be, but will NOT be, this is my truth. For now, at least.
For many reasons, I don't have what it would take to fall in love. There is a boundary that the past has set and I can't imagine anyone crossing it in the foreseeable future. At this point in time, I don't even trust myself, let alone trusting anyone else, so I know this thing with Mr T isn't going to culminate in love and a happily ever after. Because I won't let myself fall in love and the day I realise he might, I'll walk away.
As far as relationships go, thinking the way I am probably doesn't bode too well for its future. I started this post thinking I'd write about something else entirely. While writing it, I was a little sickened to see how clinically and dispassionately I could analyse my feelings. But right now, I'm not feeling too guilty. I'm okay about feeling this way.
Because I've realised, it's okay to not think about the future, and it's okay to not make plans and then try to alter things to fit into those plans. Because life has a wicked way of making you want to wear lace when you really should be wearing woolens. And sometimes, you just have to get hypothermia before you quietly wrap yourself in a sweater.
A few months ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I'd decided to marry Mr Right, I'd decided I wouldn't expect anything from Mr Wrong. I'd decided this and I'd decided that and my life was going to be okay. Today Mr Right is married to Mrs Right and I still sometimes cry when I think about Mr Wrong and how things simply imploded one day... All the planning came to nothing, and I can't muster the strength to go through the process again.
So for the first time in my life, I don't have a future. It's scary, but it's exhilarating. This relationship might not have a future, but it has a present--he's courting me and I'm courting romance. :)
