Would you rather be an emotional fool or a heartless bitch?

Somehow, I've never been able to decide what I'd rather be. There are days when I feel invincible, like nothing and no one can hurt me. Those days are fantastic. I write brilliantly, focus on the goal and make life work exactly the way I want it to. But most often than not, those days are followed by nights that are excruciatingly lonely and pitifully silent.

Other days, I'm a blithering mass of emotions. Like I have been this past week. And no, unfortunately, it's not just PMS.

A few days ago, I realised I was hopelessly in love with a person I shall henceforth refer to as Mr D. Simply because he's a friend and I never want to be at the receiving end of that part-pitiful and part-knowing smile that one gives to the friend that has gone and fallen in love with Mr Wrong.

So what do you do when you're in love with a person you can never reveal your feelings to? Do you bury your head in the sand and wish the feeling away? Or do you go on a rampage to try and find a replacement? I've tried both, and neither solution seems to be working. For almost a week now, I've been wondering what to do with this newly-acquired information. A part of me wishes I'd never realised how I really felt about Mr D, that we could have continued living in our parallel universes that come together only when friendship demands it. That's the part that has to grin and make jokes even when the heart feels like it's being ripped apart and fed to the shredders. Then there is the other part--the one that lights up when he calls, wills the BlackBerry to buzz during the day and dies a little every time I look at the phone in anticipation, only to find it's just another message from someone I couldn't care less about. Against my better judgement, I've given Mr D the terrifying power to hurt me in a way that I've only ever allowed one other person to. But the strange part is, despite the confusion and emotional chaos it's causing, I'm not sure I want this feeling to go away. Sure, my mind would much rather have me feeling nothing if I can't get myself to fall in love with the pre-approved Mr Right, but even if it cuts me up and threatens to choke me, the heart is happier for being in love with Mr D. That's the funny thing about love. Even when it makes you miserable, you don't want to fall out of it.

Which is what brings me to the original question--would I rather be heartless than have to deal with the inevitable heartache?

They say one is a lonely number. It isn't. The loneliest number is the one you get when you add one plus one but the answer's never quite two. Something like a marriage that neither partner feels like they belong to. I guess there are fates worse than knowing exactly who you're meant to be with and not being able to do anything about it.

Yes, I am now accepting donations to pay for therapy.