It's 4am in the morning and I'm at the Taj. I've just celebrated a friend's engagement and rebuffed a firang's attempt to get me in his bed. I should be happy for my friend, should feel a little sorry for myself because I'm not even close to finding The One. It should bother me I'd much rather be sitting alone in a coffee shop at 4am than go out and do those things that 24-year-olds do on Saturday night.
But I'm neither happy, nor sad. Is this the start of finding myself, or losing myself?
For a while now, I've been on a somewhat fractured journey to find the real me. I fell in love with the wrong guy, abused my body, tortured my mind, made friends with prostitutes, came close to becoming someone's bitch, cut myself, burnt myself and did everything I could to destroy myself. I'm surprised I've survived. God knows there are people more deserving of the shot at life that I've been given. I can't see it, but I suppose that there must be a reason I've been chosen to stay on. I thought if I experienced everything, if I pushed the boundaries hard enough, I'd find some answers. I thought I'd understand myself better. But that didn't happen. Instead, a kind of a fatigue has set in. My friend RD says that I've abused my mind so much that it can't do without the dizzying highs and the pitiful lows anymore...
But all of that has changed, these last few weeks.
I respect people who have managed to attune their minds to their hearts. And their hearts to their souls. It's a skill I'd sell my right arm for. Anything that can help untangle the million live wires in my brain is worth its weight in gold. I'm THAT tired of the constant whirring in my brain. And of a life that changes so fast, so often. I'd like to know what it feels like to be aware... To not question everything I do and say. Maybe I'm just getting older. In a way, it feels like I'm losing my mind. Because it resists things I’d learnt to accept. It’s fighting my treatment of it. It resists pain a lot more than it used to. It allows access to fewer people. And it asks for vacations--something that never used to happen before. I've never connected with minds that can empty themselves for any lengths of time. Maybe that is the reason I find it so difficult to fall in love, and once I'm in love, to fall out of it. Because I believe that even when nothing is being said, even when there's no physical contact, two brains continue to communicate.
I thought I could control the trajectory of my life. I thought I’d be the one calling the shots at the fork in the road. Perhaps I was too arrogant. Perhaps I took my mind for granted. I trusted my intelligence over my instinct. I truly believed that no matter what else I didn’t have control over, I’d have complete mastery over my brain. I don’t know when it happened, but sometime in the last few weeks, I lost that power.
And again I wonder, is this the way to finding oneself? When decisions are made by default and you con yourself into believing that you had a say in them? Or is this the beginning of losing oneself forever? Because if you can’t be bothered to fight to regain the power, if what you stand to gain isn’t worth the fight, isn’t that the first step towards not being able to identify yourself in a crowd?
3 comments:
I can absolutely relate, it does that to the mind. one time, I've felt I'd stepped to far and literally I would ask "Please don't!! I'll forget I promise" to the wall.. I didn't think a lightning bolt was gonna hit me. I thought I had cancer... or there was no way I'm dodging death this time. I felt that a supreme being; if exists, didn't want me to know what I found out. Til this day I wonder, what it was that I stumbled upon and if I really was gonna die, but was given a second chance. He/she/it coulda just turned me skitso and there would be no evidence of foul play. Infact what if thats the very thing I dodged by forgeting that specifically forumlated insight..
Oh yeah sorry, I stumbled upon your page while writing a long paragraph using only words starting with "V". When re-reading my creating, I realized I put together "virtually and vague". Had no idea why I felt it looked odd. Apparently they are contradictions multi-universe, or massively-small, etc. And I looked it up on google together to see if anyone used it in a sentence together on accident too, and you were i think on top of google. Great post though.
Dear John,
Thank you. I'm surprised anybody other than my few friends reached this page. I'm glad you could relate. Just makes you realise that the people might be different, but life has a pretty set pattern. Just know that whatever you're going through, there's someone else, somewhere in the world, going through the exact same thing. It feels good to know you're not alone, no matter how big or small the heartbreak. So hang in there buddy.
Cheers,
DQ
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